What are we looking at here?

There is so much happening with my dad's health these days that it makes my head spin.  He went to see his oncologist yesterday and had a positive visit.  People there said he was looking and acting better than he was before he left for the Southern Comfort Tour.  Some bloodwork showed that the new chemo is probably kicking back the tumors in his spine.  He has gained some weight back. But... The weight gain may be mostly fluid retention in his belly and legs (no good), the tumors in his spine cause him pain but aren't probably going to kill him (that will probably be the brain stuff that is going untreated).  So having a good visit is pretty relative.  He was having a hard time keeping anything down yesterday.  We think it may be from the fluid around his belly and not because of the pressure on his brain.  Either way he really needs calories.

He looks so different.  His voice though... his voice is still the same.  And his mind is still his.  It makes me want to SCREAM!  I have this image in my mind of him being pulled away from us.  All I want to do is dig my heels in and pull back.  But that just isn't how it goes.  So in my mind I scream and hold on to him, and on the outside I make dinner and raise my beautiful babies, and sit on the bed and visit with my dad, and call my husband, and talk with my mom.  I can't cry yet.  I feel it coming on and I have to push it down.  There will be so much time for crying later.  When we move from still having my dad to not.  When memories we share with him will become all we have.  When time will keep moving and taking me farther from when I was with him.

So dramatic. So true.

The other day Josephine was wearing an outfit with a rocket ship on it and I pointed this out to Owen.  He said, "We're on the Saturn 5!".  I asked him if we were going to the moon and he replied, "Sometime.  We'll go out to dinner and then go on the Saturn 5 to the moon."  

Getting Organized

The past few months have been so very full.  My correspondence with anyone outside of my family has basically evaporated.  I am truly sorry for disappearing.  Most of you know that I am terrible at keeping in touch, but lately it hasn't been just forgetfulness.  I am currently nursing Josephine and typing away.  Anytime I have wanted to sit down and write an email or make a phone call I have been juggling too many things to warrant the time I need.  I think that is my problem.  I want so much to have full conversations and write complete emails.  It just can't happen.  My conversations with Lucas are truncated.  Luckily we talk several times a day and don't have to catch up on months of news.

So if you are curious here is what has been going on:

December/January:  The end of my pregnancy.  I was feeling exhausted and private.  My parents came to Seattle to visit and to be at Jo's birth.  My dad's health seemed to be deteriorating but we had no definitive answers.

January 23rd:  Josephine Ada was born via cesarean.  The surgery itself was really difficult.  The anesthesia didn't work so well and I had problems with feeling too much and loss of blood pressure.  BUT! Our girl was born and she was healthy!  She is a total dreamboat.

End of January/Early February:  I was healing.  We were getting used to our new baby.  My dad's health got really bad.  He had surgery in Seattle, needed a late night ER trip, then woke up one morning dizzy, confused and slurring his words.  A brain scan showed his cancer had moved to the brain in what looked to be a very serious way.  His oncologist told him to head to Minnesota ASAP if that is where he wanted to be.

So, with my two week old baby and my newly big-brothered Owen I hopped on a plane with my parents to be with them in Minnesota.  I was still healing from the c-section (it takes about 6 weeks to heal completely).  I was there for 4 weeks as people gathered and it looked like my Dad would die any time.  My brother Matt took a two month leave from his work in Amsterdam and has been here being a wonder.  My dad had radiation on his brain and started a new chemo drug with low side effects and a 10% chance of efficacy.  Near the end of my four weeks my dad decided he needed some warmth and wanted to travel.  The idea for the Southern Comfort Tour was hatched.  Bless my mother for being brave and game.  They rented an RV, and with Matt drove down to Florida to visit friends, then headed west to Phoenix where the whole family gathered at my dad's cousin's estate where we were welcomed with open arms and hearts.  It was a beautiful and emotional week.

I was able to be in Seattle for 2 weeks while my parents were doing the Florida and then heading west part of the tour.  I had looked forward to a peaceful time with much visiting with friends.  However, Owen got sick and REALLY cranky and then as he seemed to be healing up the rest of us caught the cold.  Lucas and I felt terrible but healed up quickly.  Josephine handled her first cold at 7 weeks with much strength but she was too small to fight it on her own.  She and I spent a few days at Children's Hospital  where she received supportive care.  It said a lot of my state that those days were the most relaxing time I had had since Jo had been born.  After we returned from the hospital Owen got worse and was diagnosed with a sinus infection.  I was desperate to get the kids healthy so we could head to Phoenix.  They got better just in time.  But my time in Seattle was spent doing the sick thing, not the visiting and re-energizing that I had imagined.

So now I am back in St. Paul.  Sans Lucas.  It is the right place for me to be.  This is a difficult time, but it also feels sacred.  I will fill in details later in the blog, or individually.  It feels good to think people can follow what is going on if they are interested.  Please don't hesitate to call or email me.  I really value my people.  It is just that I am focused in right now.